Dearest Diary?
Is that how you start things like this? That's how I used to when I was 8 and had a diary with one of those tiny little locks, but I didn't last very long with it. Anyway, Diary, I think your name is going to be TARDIS, well, you are a TARDIS, and I can't think of a cute name right now to address you. So you'll be dear sweet TARDIS!
Dearest Tardis,
I turned 20 today. I am no longer a teenager and I am in my 20's. It's sort of frightening almost that I'm growing up. I'm in my early-early 20's, that's going to take some time to get used to. So strange. Nothing seems different, I don't feel older, and yet, most kids my age are counting down the minutes to when they can legally drink. I feel like I'm a weirdo because I've never had a drop of alcohol in my life; yes I've been a bad Mormon and I've started drinking caffeinated drinks, but I don't see myself ever experiencing alcoholic drinks. I'm rambling about irrelevant stuff right now.
I hope that 20 brings me nothing but good things, starting today until October 3, 2014. I know there will be big changes. A few days ago Cullen asked me if I would like to court, and without even thinking it, I said yes. I know when or if it's ever known to others, I will judged for stealing Amber's husband or that Cullen just wants as many women as possible, and that it's gross. I've heard it all before when church members talk in hushed whispers. But going to his church a few times, I understood everything that it was about, and the biggest thing about it was the familial love floating around in the air. We're still getting to know each other, Cullen and I. We've never spoken to each other in any other way except as friends, but I mean, I've always found him cute. Oh Tardis, if you saw him, you would agree. I think we have to build a foundation before anything takes place.
There's so many things that surround me possibly (and hopefully) becoming his second wife and marrying into the family, and I don't know if me writing this is getting ahead of myself. First there's Amber, I've tried to get to know her, even before Cullen asked me, I kind of wanted to be friends with her. She seems super nice, and she loves Who, and I don't have many friends. But, I think she doesn't like me, and I don't know what to say to her either. I understand she just had a baby, and things like that, but I hope that if this happens, we'll be good friends. I know it's going to take time and effort to get to know and get used to each other, but I believe that it will turn out alright. I just don't know if it's proper to approach her about the relationship (gosh, that's weird to say) I have with Cullen. I'm too scared to ask Cullen or Rosalie, and I wonder if I could call my Aunt for advice, even though I know I need to anyway.
Which brings me to my parents. I need to plan how I'm going to tell them, and most importantly, when I'm going to tell them. I'm so so scared that my father will be furious. I know he's going to be upset, and I know LDS is against FLDS and the stigma that surrounds it, but getting to know NORMAL NOT WARREN JEFFS polygamists and children has been an experience, one that I feel I belong to. They're just like anyone else, and I wish that people would not judge them. But I don't know what to do or say, I know my Aunt will be there to help me, because Rosalie said so, it's just, is he going to disown me? Is he going to kick me out? What's going to happen? The thought scares me, I think I'd be willing to lose my family over this, because I feel it's my calling. Next time I go to Cullen's church, I think I'm going to give testimony.
Everything is still so brand new, and while I want to live in the moment, I have to think of the future and the unknown. It feels amazing to write this all out and get it out on paper, I'm grateful that Mari gave you to me, Tardis. So grateful.
Everything is going to work out. I know it.
Fantastic! Dell